FEARLESS

Crazy times we are living in, huh fam?! It is a little unnerving when so much is going on and we feel like we have little to no control. I’m there with you and totally understand. One thing I have adopted; kind of like a shield, is that in the face of storms, I will be fearless. That sounds crazy right? Like, you’re staring calamity and uncertainty right in the face and you say you are fearless?! Well, being FEARLESS doesn’t mean that you don’t feel fear. It doesn’t mean you are unconcerned or ignorant. To me, it means you put your fear and the validity of your emotions in someone who is able to absorb and do something about it. Jesus.

I’m comforted in knowing that even when He stared his fate in eye and the cross was before Him – he felt deep anxiety! He was after all, human too. Yet still, He chose to put his faith in God and say “not my will but Yours”. So if you are feeling scared, worried, panicked – its ok! Take a deep breath and whisper silent prayers and trust that he is giving you everything you need for TODAY. Don’t think about tomorrow, today is just enough for you to manage. These next 24 hours is all you need to think about. Breathe in, breathe out.

Like most parts of the world – you are probably having to stay home and your kids are off school. What a wonderful opportunity for us parents to teach our children how to respond to stress and scary world events. They are watching how we react and respond. What we do today will teach them how to deal with big scary things in their lives too. Let’s choose to remain fearless. Let’s show them this week while we are all self-quarantined that though this is an unprecedented time in the world, the family unit cannot be shaken. I encourage you fam – they don’t need to know ALL the details (if they are tiny) but use wisdom in how you communicate what is going on. More than that, let’s use this time to strengthen our core. Make delicious meals together, laugh, hug a lot, let them see you pray, play board games, make art, binge watch some TV, read books, go for walks, jump in some puddles and take these next couple of weeks to be fully present.  They will remember March of 2020 years from now as the best time with family. They will also know how to respond to the chaos around them too.

I’m reminded to a different but similar time, years ago. December 31st, 1999. Oh God, remember Y2K yall!? Everyone was freaking out and in a panic. Very similar to today, grocery stores were out of food, you couldn’t find any flashlights anywhere, and there was a sense of dread roaming the streets. That was 21 years ago and I was only 12. I was old enough to feel the fear everyone was talking about was but too small to be able to do anything about it. The fears of the unknown was unsettling. Yall, I even remember my French teacher wishing us her final farewell for Christmas break incase we didn’t make it through the Y2K blackout! Nuts right?!

I’ll never forget my parents demeanor through it all and how they fielded the questions we had. “We trust God”, and that was enough to bring me back to peace. That was all I needed. To see my parents respond in faith and to know God has got us. And so, today as Jon and I field questions with our own little children, we get to tell them “We trust God.” 

If you need an extra layer of peace, read 2 Timothy 1:7 on repeat. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.” And then go ahead and quote this one too while you’re at it! John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”. 

Fam, it is all going to be ok. And to quote my parents who have and continue to build my faith even at 33 years old… “we trust God.”

*Note to add: If you are looking for a great church in the North Dallas area, we are open at Fearless House in downtown Mckinney. Follow on Facebook and IG at @fearlesshouse*

Flawed, Yet Still Worthy…

Today, broke me.

Mentally and emotionally. And if I wasn’t super solid in my understanding of God’s grace, i’d say today broke me spiritually too. It was just one of those days where everything was off. You know what I mean right?! You’re dropping and spilling everything first thing in the morning before you have even had your coffee. You’re stubbing your toe on the corner of your dresser. You’re using the restroom to find out there’s no toilet paper and no one to rescue you because everyone is still asleep at 6:30 am. Your day progresses and things seem to go from bad to worse. The deal you were hoping for falls through. You get into an explosive argument with your spouse in Walmart over bedding choices. (Just me?!) A close friend or family member says something to cut you down and you feel worthless. The list goes on and you just feel broken. That was my day; off and unbalanced.

We’ve all heard it before that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. Well today, those percentages swapped. I reacted to EVERYTHING. Oh you looked at me weird, sweet husband? Let’s duke it out. She is bragging on social media about her best life? I will NOT press that like button - not today Satan! You cut me off…Ok Mr. Mercedes…i’m going to pull up right beside you in my mom van and stare you DOWN at that red light. Kids, you’re talking back and fighting… here comes the raging yelling T-rex from Jurassic Park!

Passive aggression turns into solid aggression and soon nobody is safe within 2 feet of me. And you know what? I don’t even want to be around me either. And to top off the feelings of just being pissed at everyone and everything, now I have THE WORST mom guilt, wife guilt and feel like the world’s crappiest Christian.

You know why I love the bible, though? It is FILLED with people just like me. People just like you. One of my favorite people in the bible is Peter. He was a hot mess and reminds me so much of myself. He was so flawed in so many ways and screwed up ROYALLY on a few occasions. One of his particular screw ups is one that I find myself going back to often to bring me solace when i’ve totally blown it.

In case you are new to the bible, here is the back story.

Toward the end of Jesus’ life, right before he is about to be handed over and betrayed, Jesus predicts Peter’s denial of Him 3 times. He tells Peter that when things hit the fan, he is going to deny even knowing Jesus! Now the thing that stands out about Peter was his loyalty and love for Jesus. He was a reckless abandon for Christ and one of Jesus’ closest friends! So when Jesus tells him that before the rooster crows, Peter will have denied he even KNEW Jesus, 3 times. The story goes on and just as Jesus predicted, Peter is approached by a little girl who sniffs him out. Under the pressure, Peter folds and denies knowing Jesus at all. Three times. And then the rooster crows.

It goes on to say in Mark 14:72 “…Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashes through Peter’s mind.”

Can you imagine the level of “OMG, I just freaking blew it” Peter must have felt at that moment when he remembered Jesus’ words flash through his mind? Peter had a calling on his life and a mission he was excited about carrying out. He was Jesus’ ride or die and right-hand-man! He blew it and must have felt like a complete failure of a friend, Christian and human. We know that because it says that he broke down weeping bitterly and isolated himself for days after. Can you relate? I know I can. A lot of times, I am Peter. Here is the good news for us, though. There is HOPE in chapter 16.

At this point, Jesus had died and darkness took over the sky. On Sunday (Easter Sunday) a couple of women go to the tomb to tend to the body but find the tombstone rolled away with no corpse to be found! An angel appears to them telling them not to be afraid and that the Lord had risen from the grave!

This next part has become my anchor and life message. This is for you, when you feel like you have blown it in life…

Mark 16: 7 “Now GO tell his disciples, INCLUDING PETER, that Jesus is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there, just as he told you before he died.”

Did you catch that? INCLUDING PETER! Remember, Peter had been isolating, probably depressed and questioning is purpose and if God still loved him at this point. It’s been at least a few days since he denied Christ and i’m sure like any normal human was probably thinking that he screwed up way too big to be used by God. But here we see in this passage how God keeps wooing, keeps pursuing and keeps calling us DESPITE our failures. Yeah, he (we) screwed up. But Jesus called him back despite the epic fail. Peter went on after that to radically change the world and lead many to salvation.

So girl, you may have had a rough day and not shown up in a way you are proud of. Or maybe you are dealing with things, choices or regrets that are far worse than losing your crap on the kids.

Listen to me right now, sis. JESUS IS STILL CALLING. HE STILL CHOOSES YOU. HE LOVES YOU.

No matter what you’ve done or haven’t done, you still have a purpose and he still is crazy about you.

I’ve been Peter too; flawed yet still worthy.

Forever My Heartbeat…

“I’m so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Todryk, but Twin B does not have a heartbeat…”

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Those words will haunt me forever. If ever there was a pain so profound, so dark and so terrifying that you could almost feel it physically; that was what I was experiencing, as I laid there in that dark ultrasound room. In that moment, everything around me started spinning and I felt my lungs collapsing. I swear I had that poor ultrasound tech look for a heartbeat about 20 times. She finally put the doppler down said “I’m sorry” and left the room. I suppose you forget how difficult their job can be on them too, sometimes.

Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). That is what the docs say took Joshua from me. He wasn’t getting his share of nutrients and blood flow to keep him alive. My body seemed to have failed him. And while the events of March 17th, 2015 were extremely difficult, it was the reality of my deep dark secret that was starting to torment me. It goes back to the day I found out I was expecting.

On December 5th 2014, I found out that I was pregnant! I was so excited that our family would have a new addition but if i’m honest, I also had a weird intuition that I was carrying twins. I can’t tell you why, but the anxiety about it was unshakeable. When I went for my very first doctor visit, my only intention was to make sure that my baby was healthy and that I was not carrying twins. Twins run in both our families and for some reason I had a nagging feeling that I was carrying multiples. I don’t know if that was intuition or paranoia, but I was determined to prove it wrong. After a couple minutes of searching around by the doctor, my biggest fear became a reality; I was carrying twins. As you can imagine, I didn’t jump for joy, I didn’t cry happy tears, I didn’t feel like I was blessed. Quite honestly, I felt like I was being cursed and that I was living a nightmare. Here is where my story will probably cause you to judge me as a monster. And if that’s the case, it’s okay. I have lived with those silent thoughts of myself for a long time. But here it goes…

When I left the ultrasound room that day, I went to a dark place in my mind. I hated the idea that I was carrying twins. So much so, that I wished this “curse” would go away permanently. For the next month while I lived in my state of shock, I had horrible thoughts and wished that one of the twins would just disappear and that I would miraculously only be carrying one child. I was mad at God for giving me twins and internally demanded that He fix this mistake. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was the hormones -I don’t know. But those were my evil thoughts that I prayed obsessively for a couple months.

It took about two months for the shock to dissipate and to finally embrace the reality that we would be a family of 5. Slowly, I started coming around to the idea of having two identical twin boys. I figured, I may as well embrace it than try to fight it since this would be our new reality. Who knows, maybe I would rock this “twin mom” thing. It took a while but soon I found myself getting excited about having twins and on more than one occasion would somehow end up at Target buying matching outfits for them! Target baby clothes get me every time! We named them Judah and Joshua. They would be best buds and partners in crime! We started picking out nursery colors and I found myself occasionally singing to them and praying over them. I couldn’t wait to meet them.

But God didn’t forget about those deep dark thoughts I had a few months back. He had granted my wish. I guess I had been carrying a deceased little boy in me for over a month and I didn’t find out about it until my next doctor visit on March 17th 2015.

So many questions flooded my mind like an avalanche. Did my initial wishing the boys away in my heart cause this? Do the power of words really cause death? Is He a terrible and mean God? Does He grant the desires of our heart even if they are wicked desires? Maybe I didn’t know God at all! His character came in to question and I tried to blame everyone and everything for Joshua’s death. The weight of my guilt and shame was something I knew I was going to live with forever. Maybe I really did cause this and the words “there is no heartbeat” would be my punishment to live with forever.

Somehow that day, my husband Jonathan was able to show me such incredible love and mercy and service to me when we got home that day. He took care of me in my fragile and dark state the same way Jesus would. Honestly, it was like I was literally seeing Jesus through my husband and there wasn’t much denying that perhaps the Father was trying to console me. It brought some relief. Just enough relief to get out of bed and eat a few bites of food and read through the Book of Psalms. For a month straight, I did not leave my house or see any other humans. I just read the bible and listened to the song “Reason to Sing” by All Sons and Daughters on repeat all day every day. It was all I could do to keep from drowning in my pain.
When I finally decided to forgive myself, I was able to see more clearly that I had fallen victim to a lie and into a trap. I am not strong enough to talk God into doing anything. I can’t manipulate God into doing things for me – good or bad.

The truth is, He had a purpose for Joshua’s short life and has a purpose for mine. He’s calling me to be an ambassador of truth and to help others find their purpose and healing.

Oh sis, maybe you relate to my story. Maybe you have experienced a devastating loss too or are carrying guilt and shame like I was. Perhaps you are regretting an abortion from long ago. Or maybe you have lost a child or sibling to illness or accident. Sometimes the pain seals our mouths shut and locks up our hearts so that the hurt slowly kills us inside.

Whatever the cause of your pain, I believe that there is healing for the broken, hope for the lost, forgiveness for the sinner and peace for the empty. I’m not quite sure why we as mothers and women don’t talk about our pain and grief. But perhaps if we started the conversation and let ourselves be honest, maybe that’s where we would find our healing.

Our sweet babies do have a heartbeat! We’ll carry them forever in ours. And that is why I flipped the script on the words that tried to haunt me and now I say “FOREVER, MY HEARTBEAT.”

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18-19

Why I called it QUITS on being the “Badass Boss Babe”

I need to preface this post and give a huge disclaimer so that you can really hear my heart.

I am an entrepreneur. I am creative. I am determined.  I work hard. I am a woman. I thinks it’s very important to be clear that there is room for everyone to succeed in their endeavors and I believe that women have a soft spot in God’s heart for every good and perfect thing He wants to do with us, for us and through us. 

It’s pretty incredible how multi-faceted He created us to be and to what He’s called us to, isn’t it? I mean, we raise babies, build business, serve selflessly and guess what – we can do it all! And if you have a problem with that or don’t believe me – go read Proverbs 31 real quick. The woman described in that passage is a CEO, a worker, makes a great income, is a wife, a mother, a servant, a manager, a believer and is well known in her community. She does it all and she does it with grace. A true success! Women are powerful creatures and we are hardwired to be able to succeed at whatever we are doing. 

When I gave birth to my first child Gabriella, my husband and I decided that I would take on being a stay-at-home- mom. Before having children, I envisioned my life working a normal 9-5 job, making just enough to not be past-due on anything and just try to survive. I didn’t have any grandiose dreams. I just wanted to survive, pay my bills on time and be happy. But I traded that to wipe cute little booties and live in yoga pants!

The problem was, though aware at how important being a SAHM was to our family, I felt bored, purposeless and helpless. Bills were piling up and my simple dream of just paying the bills on time and being happy was fading away. After we missed our car insurance payment for the 2nd month in a row and was risking our car being repossessed, I decided I would try and find some work-from-home job to help out with the bills. 

I ended up joining a few direct sales jobs selling various things. I was looking for purpose, community and some extra cash. Oh, and I can earn a free car too? I’m in!  Well, I bounced from company to company just trying to find a side hustle that would make sense. But I just ended up finding myself more in debt and inventory I couldn’t give away for free!

Three years ago, I found myself joining yet another company. This one was different though. I found a lot of the things I had originally set out looking for. Purpose in helping others, a wonderful community, and I was making a great income that was not just paying the electricity bill, but I was able to carry our rent payments. A true blessing! I found myself in a mentorship and leadership position and was obviously influencing many to be their best selves. I was getting so focused on the “self” part that I found myself obsessed with reading personal development and self-help books. I wanted to grow as a leader but the books I found myself gravitating to were books that were making me subconsciously hardened. “Get obsessed” this, “the future is female” that, “Bad-A” this, “Boss-Babe” that. Now hear my heart sis...I am not knocking any of those things. But there was obviously something happening in me that was pushing me further and further into darkness. I was obsessed with building my own empire and creating my own kingdom and quite frankly I was hardening myself so much that anyone who would challenge me; including my husband would get bulldozed and spit on. 

“How dare you try to snatch my dreams from me”! “How dare you question my integrity”!  “Can’t you see I’m working so hard on building this side gig for our children”?

By the way, the children I was building my empire for were the same children I was snapping at for coming into my office while I was on the phone with a prospect client. Those were the same children who would run to their room in tears and broken because mommy was unnecessarily harsh with them.  But at least I was building my business, right? For them… 

I was losing myself. I was losing my once happy marriage. I was losing my happy children who used to love hanging off of me. All for the love of money.

You see I started identifying as the Bad-A Boss Babe. And when you take on an identity that contradicts who God says you are, you start becoming more and more blind, more and more hard, more and more dark. 

Matthew 6:24 says “You cannot serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.”  

Its why God gives us a very clear model for what true success as a woman looks like. It’s why He so graciously included Proverbs 31 for us to model after sis! Go read it! No, like for real…go absorb that whole passage. It’s so good! 

He wants us to be successful. He wants to prosper us financially. He wants us to raise families and have a thriving marriage. He wants us to build a kingdom. His! 

And when we come into alignment with HIS dreams for us, they will always surpass the expectations of our own.

This is why I ditched being the Bad-A Boss babe mentality. I am sticking with the identity of being His Daughter; who’s success models that of our sister found in Proverbs 31.

Who is with me?

-Jess