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Red Sparrow
I do my best crying in the shower. Anyone else? Like, the real gnarly ugly cry, snot dripping out of my nose, blurred vision and deep (but silent, because I don’t want anyone to know i’m crying) groan cries.
Often, when I pull back the layers of what i’m actually crying about, it almost always comes right down to fear.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that I missed my time, i’m afraid of sickness, i’m afraid my kids won’t live for Jesus, i’m afraid of lack, i’m afraid of rejection, and i’m afraid of my world getting rocked. To name a few…
A few months ago I had really vivid dream of seeing a little red sparrow swoop down into the foundation of this tall strong brick building. There was an opening in the foundation where he nestled in, and found protection and food. I woke up knowing that God was reminding me that He is my foundation and in Him, I have all that I need.
So why am I still afraid?
Back to crying in the shower. Today was a cry day; I could feel it before I even turned the water on. I was feeling afraid today - fears taunting me and playing in the background of my mind. The tears started welling up and almost immediately and out of nowhere, a song popped in my head that I hadn’t heard since I was a teenager. I completely forgot about this song and the artist. So I KNOW it was Dad showing up in a moment where I needed rest and reprieve from fear.
“Psalm 91” by Lincoln Brewster. I was 14 years old when I heard this song and it became my anthem. I’d listen to it every single day - because at 14, I was already very familiar with fear.
There must have been a reason God put this song and this bible chapter in my heart, 24 years later. I believe it is the remedy for the sickness of fear. It is the blueprint and the answer to overcoming it.
Psalm 91 - I beg you to go read this chapter today.
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty”
A shelter is a place giving temporary protection from bad weather or danger.” He told me that bad weather and danger is temporary.
Right now as I type, I get the picture of a father shielding his child from a hail storm, using his body as a cover to protect them from getting hit. That closeness allows for the child to hear his father tell him in his ear “its ok, its going to be ok. It’s almost over. Just stay right here and i’ll keep you safe”. In that place of shelter, the child gets to live and rest in the protection of their dad.
If the child is unsheltered and left open to the elements, he will get pelted, torn and bruised by the hail. He lives open to the terrors by night and arrows that fly by day.
We get to choose where to live. And Dad invites us to curl up in his arms, as he uses his body to shield us from temporary dangers and attacks of life.
And he gives you this promise further down in verse nine. “If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
Verse 14: The Lord says, I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation”.
I’m not saying there won’t be times we don’t FEEL afraid, but I believe this chapter is the answer on how we can stop LIVING in a state of constant fear - open to the elements and the terrors of life.
He invites us to take shelter where we can hear him whisper to our hearts: it’s ok, its going to be ok. It’s almost over. Just stay right here and i’ll keep you safe”.
And now excuse me, while I go weep again for the second time today.
Live well friends.
xo,
Jess
Why I called it QUITS on being the “Badass Boss Babe”
I need to preface this post and give a huge disclaimer so that you can really hear my heart.
I am an entrepreneur. I am creative. I am determined. I work hard. I am a woman. I thinks it’s very important to be clear that there is room for everyone to succeed in their endeavors and I believe that women have a soft spot in God’s heart for every good and perfect thing He wants to do with us, for us and through us.
It’s pretty incredible how multi-faceted He created us to be and to what He’s called us to, isn’t it? I mean, we raise babies, build business, serve selflessly and guess what – we can do it all! And if you have a problem with that or don’t believe me – go read Proverbs 31 real quick. The woman described in that passage is a CEO, a worker, makes a great income, is a wife, a mother, a servant, a manager, a believer and is well known in her community. She does it all and she does it with grace. A true success! Women are powerful creatures and we are hardwired to be able to succeed at whatever we are doing.
When I gave birth to my first child Gabriella, my husband and I decided that I would take on being a stay-at-home- mom. Before having children, I envisioned my life working a normal 9-5 job, making just enough to not be past-due on anything and just try to survive. I didn’t have any grandiose dreams. I just wanted to survive, pay my bills on time and be happy. But I traded that to wipe cute little booties and live in yoga pants!
The problem was, though aware at how important being a SAHM was to our family, I felt bored, purposeless and helpless. Bills were piling up and my simple dream of just paying the bills on time and being happy was fading away. After we missed our car insurance payment for the 2nd month in a row and was risking our car being repossessed, I decided I would try and find some work-from-home job to help out with the bills.
I ended up joining a few direct sales jobs selling various things. I was looking for purpose, community and some extra cash. Oh, and I can earn a free car too? I’m in! Well, I bounced from company to company just trying to find a side hustle that would make sense. But I just ended up finding myself more in debt and inventory I couldn’t give away for free!
Three years ago, I found myself joining yet another company. This one was different though. I found a lot of the things I had originally set out looking for. Purpose in helping others, a wonderful community, and I was making a great income that was not just paying the electricity bill, but I was able to carry our rent payments. A true blessing! I found myself in a mentorship and leadership position and was obviously influencing many to be their best selves. I was getting so focused on the “self” part that I found myself obsessed with reading personal development and self-help books. I wanted to grow as a leader but the books I found myself gravitating to were books that were making me subconsciously hardened. “Get obsessed” this, “the future is female” that, “Bad-A” this, “Boss-Babe” that. Now hear my heart sis...I am not knocking any of those things. But there was obviously something happening in me that was pushing me further and further into darkness. I was obsessed with building my own empire and creating my own kingdom and quite frankly I was hardening myself so much that anyone who would challenge me; including my husband would get bulldozed and spit on.
“How dare you try to snatch my dreams from me”! “How dare you question my integrity”! “Can’t you see I’m working so hard on building this side gig for our children”?
By the way, the children I was building my empire for were the same children I was snapping at for coming into my office while I was on the phone with a prospect client. Those were the same children who would run to their room in tears and broken because mommy was unnecessarily harsh with them. But at least I was building my business, right? For them…
I was losing myself. I was losing my once happy marriage. I was losing my happy children who used to love hanging off of me. All for the love of money.
You see I started identifying as the Bad-A Boss Babe. And when you take on an identity that contradicts who God says you are, you start becoming more and more blind, more and more hard, more and more dark.
Matthew 6:24 says “You cannot serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.”
Its why God gives us a very clear model for what true success as a woman looks like. It’s why He so graciously included Proverbs 31 for us to model after sis! Go read it! No, like for real…go absorb that whole passage. It’s so good!
He wants us to be successful. He wants to prosper us financially. He wants us to raise families and have a thriving marriage. He wants us to build a kingdom. His!
And when we come into alignment with HIS dreams for us, they will always surpass the expectations of our own.
This is why I ditched being the Bad-A Boss babe mentality. I am sticking with the identity of being His Daughter; who’s success models that of our sister found in Proverbs 31.
Who is with me?
-Jess